


don't put my story back on its shelf

by dialecstatic



Series: whatever a sun will always sing is you [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Introspection, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, johnny is a good friend, literally one line, me entering nct ficdom with nothing but my trans headcanons: hi, they're sappy bros, trans!mark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 15:46:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14452503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dialecstatic/pseuds/dialecstatic
Summary: on the eve of mark's eighteenth birthday, johnny has a special present for him.





	don't put my story back on its shelf

**Author's Note:**

> i'm back & rubbing my little trans hands all over a new fandom, hello!
> 
> title from "shape up" by state champs

Mark Lee is sixteen years old when he tastes his first sip of alcohol. It’s offered to him by an uncle he barely knows who keeps calling him by a name he doesn’t claim, and the liquor feels heavy on his tongue and burns its way down his chest.

 

That summer, on the cusp of his seventeenth birthday, he’s accepted into his dream university. His hard work paid off, and when he packs his bags and kisses his mother goodbye, she finally says his name. He moves into campus accommodation, a tiny room that feels like the entire world to him. His next door neighbour is a lanky kid with a penchant for sordid humor, and they become inseparable.

 

In the university’s arts program, Mark finally meets people who understand how he’s felt all his life. He asks to be called by his name, the one he chose and that fits him, and they do without question. They’re older and they take him under their wings, let him grow his out from the scars on his back.

 

Life is as good as it’s ever going to get, he thinks, looking out the window on the eve of his eighteenth birthday. Taeil had promised him a party the following day, the light reflecting off of their eyes as they spoke in that gentle tone that seemed reserved for few people in this world, and Mark wondered exactly what they had in mind. The last birthday party their group threw ended up with Yuta stealing a shopping cart and nearly sending Doyoung into traffic, and Mark, the only truly sober one, using all the might in his small frame to try and stop Yukhei from Superman-ing it out in the middle of the street. 

 

He wouldn’t change it for the world.

 

There’s a knock on his door right as he’s about to close the curtains, and at this hour, it can only be one person.

 

Sure enough, when Mark opens the door, Johnny is there, locks of hair falling in front of his face, his hands firmly kept behind his back in a motion that’s too stiff to be natural.

 

“Hey man.” Mark greets him, making sure to keep the intonation of his voice as unnatural as possible.

 

“Yo.” 

 

They stare at each other for a moment, Johnny puffing up his chest, using all of his admittedly ridiculous height to stare down at Mark, who only raises an eyebrow at him. This is just how their friendship is, always has been. Anyone passing by in the hallway right now would think they’re either drunk, stoned, both, or about to fight, but they can only keep up the charade for so long before they both burst out laughing, Johnny nearly keeling over as he tries to keep his hands behind his back even as he doubles over on himself.

 

Mark stands aside to invite his friend in, checking the hallway for any innocent passerby that might have witnessed the nonsense. He sees nothing except the annoying flickering neon that no one seems bothered to fix, so he just closes the door as Johnny takes up his preferred spot on the ratty bean bag Mark had brought from home. He’s sitting awkwardly, arms still tucked away, his absurdly long legs folding up against his chest as he gives Mark a shifty look, the corners of his mouth upturned into a scheming smile.

 

“So.” he says, laughing when Mark squints at him from the desk chair. “I know your birthday isn’t technically until... A few hours, but I wanted to give you this in private, before the party.” 

 

Mark cranes his neck, attentive as Johnny finally brings his hands out from behind his back and presents him with a small, nondescript package. It’s squishy to the touch, probably a garment of some kind, and Mark uses his fingernails to scrape at the tape sealing it shut. Johnny keeps his eyes strained on his best friend the whole time, arms hugging his knees, a sincere expression on his face. 

 

When the tape finally comes off and Mark peels it away, Johnny sucks in a breath. It’s rare to see him worried or on edge, and right now he’s both at the same time, suddenly looking very small as he follows Mark’s hands when they pull the object out of the plastic envelope, unfolding it delicately before holding it out in front of him.

 

When Mark realizes what it is, he can feel the corners of his eyes starting to sting. 

 

He runs his fingers over the thick fabric of the top half, pulling at it with his fingertips, and he’s met with resistance, the material taut and solid. He swallows hard as he presses the garment to his chest, head hanging low as he squeezes his eyes shut to try and chase the tears away. The world seems to stop for a second, his breathing slows down and Mark opens his eyes, staring at nothing, tears sliding against his skin. In the first months, maybe a year, he’d taught himself not to cry. Boys don’t cry, after all. They’re strong and unfeeling, above it all. But he’s not, can’t even pretend or try to be. Finding that balance had been hard, between who he is and who he thought he’d have to be so people would believe him. 

 

“I believe in myself.” he’d told himself in the mirror one night, only half-trusting his own words. He’d make them come true; someday, somehow. 

 

Maybe in that moment, with this boy who’s never known the before of his life and adores him all the same, Mark finally manages to make his belief into his truth.

 

He sniffles and rubs his forearm over his eyes, hands still tightly clenching the fabric. When Mark lifts his head, Johnny is looking at him, an unmistakable sheen over his own eyes, even as he hides them behind his hair.

 

“You… You got this? For me?” Mark asks, incredulous still that Johnny had taken that step.

 

The older boy laughs, trying to shrug off the patchwork of feelings hanging in the air, without much success. 

 

“I got some help. You know I’m pretty clueless about these things.” 

 

Mark has to agree to that. It’s kind of adorable in a way, and he knows Johnny has his own questions about himself.

 

“I got Sicheng to give me the measurements they took when they made you that outfit for the freshman showcase.” Johnny continues, “and Ten told me this is the best brand on the market. All I had to do was write the check, basically.” he finishes, making a cha-ching motion with his arm, complete with sound effect.

 

Mark snorts, and he shakes his head at Johnny selling himself short. Again. It’s probably his biggest fault, that confidence he uses to masquerade what he believes to be shortcomings. 

 

“You still had the idea first, though.”

 

Johnny’s cheerful, joking expression drops into a more serious one at that, and he stares at his hands, pensive for a moment.

 

“Well, yeah. You mentioned it a few times, but you said since you don’t have a credit card yet… I thought it would be a good way to ring in adulthood.” Johnny mumbles his way through the sentence, only meeting Mark’s eyes when he’s done speaking.

 

Mark can’t help the smile that forms on his face, and the tears pooling in his eyes.

 

“This is… The nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.”

 

He runs his fingers over the front of the binder, imagines a new page being stained in ink.

 

“For real.”

 

Johnny smiles back at him, that big sunny smile that made Mark want to become his friend in the first place. He’s never regretted it, not once.

 

“You know I’ll always have your back. No ifs. No buts. I got you.” is all Johnny says, voice cracking a little, and he shakes his head, brushes his hair out of his face.

 

“You’re all set man. Ready for tomorrow?”

 

Mark instinctively turns to look out the window again, taking in how the moon hangs in the sky, how the clouds that try to hide it will eventually fade away. Yeah, he’s ready. Life will always be a whirlwind, and it won’t get any easier overtime, but he’s got people who will uplift him, and he’ll try his damn best to do the same for them, to be someone they can count on. 

 

To be the kind of man he was always hoping to be. 

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m ready.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to bru, dylan & ricki for their support in exploring this ❤
> 
> find me [on twitter](http://twitter.com/diaminghao) if you wanna talk~


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